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Win a big bang ticket - tell us a poker joke

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  • #76
    What do vampires play poker for?

    'High stakes'.

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    • #77
      What is the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years the dog quits whining.

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      • #78
        Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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        • #79
          What did the dealer say to the cards?
          A - I CAN'T DEAL with you right now.

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          • #80
            There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe." He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry." He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd. The voice says, "Go all in." He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h. The voice says, "**deleted inappropriate language JWK24**."
            Last edited by JWK24; Sun Feb 18, 2018, 04:25 PM.

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            • #81
              How’s a casino like a good women? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

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              • #82
                Why did the jack cross throws? To
                jj

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                • #83
                  “He's cheating those aren't the cards I dealt him”

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                  • #84
                    why were pocket 6's afraid of pocket 7's?

                    because pocket 7's pocket 8's pocket 9's.

                    ... i had to (≧▽≦)

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                    • #85
                      What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table?

                      I thought you were a cheetah!

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                      • #86
                        poker I don't even know her

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                        • #87
                          During our weekly friday night poker game , feeling pretty good sitting on a straight with a open ended straight flush draw off the flop(7s8h9h) holding 10hJh As im in the middle of my value bet the wife walks in ...." I'm putting an end to these silly stupid poker games being held here. I work hard all weeklong, the weekend is my time. So drink your drinks and smoke your smokes cause this is the last night I'm going the hear those stuped plastic coins being tossed about" and walks out....sitting there all red faced knowing i could not win going heads up with her . I turned my attention to dealing with the possibility that the dead quite in the room might of been that I was now deft till I hear "call" my focus now on what layed before me. The turn brought a 4d i toss in one third my stack just shy of matching the pot total($350) knowing i a fold was coming or a he would call with a low straight or we split with the straight to the ace. Having the flush draw made me more confident I had a great chance ."Call" he has to have the high straight. Little did he know if i get a heart shows up I'll drown him on the river. River card soaked me with the Ah . Hahaha got ya. Time to play poker face . I check trying to show weakness to get him to bluff raise. As time stood still I could feel the eyes burning through me trying to get a read on me. I tried to put the I got a low straight face on . Might of looked like I was taking a dump . Bam he raised all in. $500 to call. I smiled a big stupid flush grin you could see for miles.as I called, still holding my cards. He says got ya. " and I'll make u one more bet . I bet u my car the flush u think u could get by me ant good enough. I'll tell u the flush I also have does not have a kh and I know for a fact u don't have it" my head starts spinning , wondering did he see my cards somehow? As he tossed his 7h followed by the Qh . I was in shock at knowing I was beat but more at the question how could he know i don't have the kh and to be so sure as to bet his car. "You know how I know u don't have it -cause i watched your wife walk away with your nuts" .................get out

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                          • #88
                            a gambler player doesnt make the same mistake twice.
                            it does it a lot more often.

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                            • #89
                              AK = Anna Kournikova. Always looks great. Never wins.

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                              • #90
                                a man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
                                "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

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