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    I LOVE Jack Handey. The more the merrier!! SO, quote away. It might be just the sedative I need for today..

  • #2
    "It takes a big man to cry. But, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." --Jack Handey



    • #3
      "If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine." Jack Handey

      I really do need to dress and go out for a couple of hours, this waiting is KILLIN ME!!!!!!!

      Hey, I bet I could mentally sort through my STARTING HAND REQUIREMENTS while shoveling snow!! THAT IS A FINE IDEA.

      Or, I could go through all my spam email and send in those TAKE ME OFF YOUR MAILING LIST requests...or perhaps call the 1-800 numbers and OPT OUT on all my credit cards.

      Or, I could look at the presents under the tree and put all of mine in a neat stack for faster opening on Christmas eve.

      Or, I could send a bunch of thank you cards to people even tho they didn't get me a gift. That way, when the receive the card, they will scratch their heads trying to remember what it was they gave me. LOL

      Seriously, the best of luck to each of you today...lets have a great time..


      • #4
        Originally posted by NewJane

        Or, I could send a bunch of thank you cards to people even tho they didn't get me a gift. That way, when the receive the card, they will scratch their heads trying to remember what it was they gave me. LOL
        :lol: :lol: :lol: 8O :lol: :lol: :P

        Really funny Jane.... LOL


        • #5
          I adopted a JH line as my sig, and it's so true :lol:


          • #6


            • #7
              I am not sure where he originated from, or when, but I first heard of him and his words of wisdom on Saturday Night Live a LONG time ago.

              Check out some of the sites by doing a GOOGLE search...there are many. And all of his quotes are HILARIOUS and very, very deep. Thus, DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey


              • #8
                I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a planecrash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

                Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

                Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

                If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

                It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

                Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?



                • #9
                  "I've heard that if you take a pair of antlers and attach them to a small child's head with common wood screws, the child looks an awful lot like a deer"

                  - Jack Handy


                  • #10
                    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

                    A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

                    Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

                    I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

                    If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

                    I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

                    Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

                    Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

                    The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

                    I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
                    Last edited by deleted_username; Sat Jun 07, 2008, 05:58 PM.