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What is your favourite Joke

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  • What is your favourite Joke

    These two jokes are my favourite of all time.

    number 1

    In the Highlands of Scotland.

    On one Mountain lives the McDonald Clan and across the valley on another Mountain lives the McTavish Clan. The two Clans are bitter enemies.

    One Summer morning there is a heavy mist in the valley between the two Mountains, and a Lone voice comes up out of the mist saying "I am a single McTavish and I will take on any Ten of you McDonalds".

    The sentry on duty for the McDonalds hears this and goes to tell the Chiefs of the Clan.

    The challenge is debated amongst them for about fifteen minutes, and it was decided to send ten of their best warriors down to meet this McTavish who is so insolent to challenge them.

    The Ten McDonalds march down the Mountainside and enter the mist shrouded valley. after about five minutes the sounds of battle can be heard, with the clash of swords and the screams of dying men.
    This lasts for about ten minutes and then SILENCE.......

    Then, from the mist rises again the voice, this time saying "I am a single McTavish and I will take on any Hundred of you McDonalds".

    This challenge too, was relayed to the Chiefs of the McDonalds, who debated for twenty minutes and decided that they would send a Hundred Warriors to teach this arrogant McTavish upstart a lesson in humility.

    So one hundred of the McDonald Clans finest march down the Mountainside into the mist, and again there is heard the sounds of fierce battle, clashing of swords, moans and screams of dying men, and about half an hour later, SILENCE again.

    Then up from the mist is heard, "I am a single McTavish and I will take on any Thousand of you McDonalds".

    When this latest challenge is reported to the McDonald Chiefs there is no debate, they just send the thousand finest warriors to do battle.

    The Thousand McDonalds troop down the Mountainside and enter the mist, whereupon the sounds of fierce battle are once again heard. This continues for four hours or so until once again silence reigns.

    Then from the mist the lone voice again cries out, "I am a single McTavish and I will take on any Ten Thousand of you McDonalds".

    This challenge so infuriates the McDonald Clan Chiefs that Ten Thousand are sent immediately to tear this overbearing, arrogant McTavish limb from limb, and dutifully Ten Thousand McDonalds march down the Moutainside.

    Just as they are about to enter the mist shrouded valley, a McDonald warrior, bloodied from head to foot, cut to ribbons and minus an arm, staggers out of the swirling mist, and gasps with his dying breath.

    "Go Back...Go Back...It's a Trap.........There's two of them".

    and number 2

    Two Blonds own a Fish & Chip Shop.

    But Business is bad and they are losing money.

    One Blond turns to her friend and says, ' I think we should close up and reopen as a Brothel '.

    To which her friend replies, ' I don't think that is a good idea, if we can't sell Fish & Chips, we'll never sell Broth '.

    3 Time Bracelet Winner

  • #2
    Little Jimmy asks his dad if he can help with his maths homework.

    Reluctantly his dad says ok what is the question.

    Jimmy says 'We have got to find the Lowest Common Denominator'

    His dad is indignant.

    'Teachers eh, have they not even found that yet, they were looking for that when I was at school 30 years ago.'

    4 Time Bracelet Winner


    • #3
      A friend told me this one years ago:

      Two best friends are hiking in the woods when one of them is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor!” says the other.

      He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what you can do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

      The guy runs back to his friend, who is rolling on the ground in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.

      The friend replies “He says you’re gonna die.”
      15 Time Bracelet Winner


      • #4
        ^One I heard - on the same joke line above^

        Went to the doctor today who gave me the bad news, that I'll be dead tomorrow. Went home and told the wife, then after the tears and sorting out the paper work we had sex. Now feeling we had accepted the situation, a few hours later in bed, suggested we have sex again?

        She replied, "No, I have to go to work tomorrow - You don't"


        Sucking the poison out, seems worse.


        • #5
          From the poker dictionary
          Lottery (noun): A tax on people who are bad at math.
          "A weak player may be a nit but a nit is not necessarily a weak player"



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