Today I went to meet my doctor (as every Friday), a psychiatrist specialize in OCD (Obsessive Convulse Disorder) in the hope to make me a bit better, or at least less crazy to checking things like doors, windows, electricity, etc. and as every time when we do finish the session, he is asking me what I take from the session and what I hope (or better wish) for the future.
 
So, I said, I wish I could play without the fear that villain will bust my Aces. Then he looks at me with an expression of the one who saw a ghost!
 
Yeah man, people cannot understand what does mean that weird, thin, fear that take control of your emotions when you are running particular down (negative variance, bad run … call it as you like). That very thin strong emotion that take and grab your stomach when you hold (pre-flop almost) a monster and you fear it will be not enough.
 
Well, it is the way Im feeling now, especially the last few days, where constantly my hand doesn’t hold at all (well, latest, I have lost almost every flip even I was ahead). I don’t know if the fact that I haven’t be well due this distressing could, had something to do with it, or some sort of impact on that accord to the extravagant theory of attraction and bollocks like that, but what I know for sure is that when come to the point where I haven’t other choice (like 99+ with around 10BB) then shove, then it will come up. That horrible butterfly creeps in the stomach as a divinatory sign of the imminent catastrophe.
 
I have felt that disgusting disease on me, almost pretty often in the past few days. Now, at less then an hour of my first PSO Skill League tournament of the day, the hope is high and the wish to do good and better then the last period, is strong but what we want and what we get isn’t always the same (btw, I don’t believe in bollocks like the law of attractions, etc.) and sometime in Poker doesn’t matter how good you try the fate decide for us.
 
The only thing I can say is “we will see”. What going to happen in the next few hours is only matter to discovery in this great journey that is my Poker life!