My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger-management issues.

I make some pretty incredible noises when people aren't around.

I always turn to the sports section first. The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page has nothing but man's failures.

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one." – Bill Gates Bored?

Simply send a text message to a random number saying "I'm pregnant"

You know it's going to be a long day when you yell "seriously!!!" at your alarm clock.

No matter what life brings you, take a lesson from your dog… kick some grass over that and move on.

Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what that says but I swear I'm human.

Incorrect Email or password… Well, which one is it!

Hey hipster Starbucks (or Mc Donalds or KFC or whatever) employee, when i say "medium", you know what i mean!