What are two words that put a frown on the face of all sports fans? Rain delay.

My misery likes tequila, not company.

Time to bail: She makes you choose between her or your friends.

Kids are ridiculous these days, when we were young, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.

Men don't have breakfast food, lunch food, or dinner food. There's just food.

I hate when I forget that I am watching something I DVR'd and I forget to skip the commercials.

When I'm at the store, I like to sneak condoms in the carts of the people with 7 screaming kids.

Babies already scare the shit outta me... now you're telling me on ValentinesDay I gotta avoid a flying one w/ a bow & arrow?

Women say childbirth is the most painful thing in the world, but have they ever stepped on a LEGO?

If God wanted me to do stuff, he wouldn't have put everything so far away from my bed.